Therapy for Ex-Boarders

Has Boarding School Scarred Your Life?

Do you struggle with intimacy and empathy? Do your partners say you are cold or unemotional?

Perhaps it feels hard for you to get really close to anyone… or you actively avoid it, because you don’t ever trust anyone completely.

You might feel a persistent flatness or depression – disconnected from yourself and from vitality.

Maybe on the surface you appear confident and self-reliant, but underneath you have a deep, hidden fear that you’re simply ‘wrong at the core’.

It could be that you face symptoms of post-traumatic stress such as constant anxiety, hypervigilance, addiction and suicidal thoughts.

The Trauma Of Being Sent Away From Home

Boarding school is frequently normalised in the UK. But being separated at a young age from home, family, and all that is familiar, is inherently stressful. For the child, being left at boarding school often feels like an abandonment, a sign that they are somehow ‘not good enough’ to stay with Mummy and Daddy.

In a boarding school there is a total absence of loving touch, and no respite from the school environment. Life becomes ruled by bells, every moment timetabled, with no privacy. Returning home in the holidays, the child may feel like an outsider, with no language to describe their experience to parents.

And sadly, as recent reports have revealed, boarding schools are places where children may face physical or sexual abuse from teachers or older pupils.

Surviving Boarding School Comes At A Cost

The boarding school child swiftly learns that their most important task is to hide any sign of vulnerability to others, to avoid ridicule or bullying from their peers. Most children will cut themselves off from their own emotional life. They develop a mask of confidence and capability which serves them well both at school and in later life.

But the strategies that help a child survive boarding school may not be universally helpful in the adult world.

Ex-boarders may well find that the fear of being abandoned (again) prevents them from getting close to anyone. They don’t fully trust others, and beneath their self-assured facade often feel profoundly ashamed and unlovable. Relationships may remain on a surface level, lacking in depth.

Many ex-boarders also struggle within themselves. They may face constant anxiety or crippling self-criticism; or a depression that never lifts, with no real sense of aliveness. They may know they feel disconnected from their true self, but can’t figure out who they really are.

Then there are the costs of the darkest side of boarding schools. Children who have suffered chronic bullying, physical punishment or sexual abuse can become adults who struggle with flashbacks, addiction, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. Alcoholism, workaholism, and other ways of trying to escape the shadow of the past are common.

It’s Never Too Late To Heal

If you are struggling with the after-effects of boarding school, you are not alone. There is even a term, ‘Boarding School Syndrome’, which is used by psychologists to describe the cluster of emotional and interpersonal difficulties that can result from being sent away from the family at a young age.

Therapy can help you gradually piece together a clearer picture of your experiences at boarding school, and how you survived them. It can help you find language for the things that were never told to anyone at the time. And you can start to question the beliefs you adopted about yourself and the world that are no longer helpful.

As you talk things through with your therapist, you’ll start to understand the strategies you put in place to protect yourself. You can find ways to soften that armoured self, gradually and safely. And you can discover a life beyond shame and isolation – one that is rich, and vital, and connected to yourself and others.

Any Questions? Send Me A Message.

Maybe You Still Have Some Questions About Therapy For Ex-Boarders…

“Isn’t it just a bit ridiculous to make a fuss about something that was such a privilege?”

This is one of the most common thoughts that ex-boarders have. You’ve been told – and society reinforces – that a boarding school education is a huge privilege. It feels shameful to complain about something that was supposed to be so good, that most people don’t even have the ‘opportunity’ to do.

But of course, just because something offers great benefits, doesn’t mean there are no costs. And it’s those unseen costs which have caused you problems later in life, and that need to be understood, soothed, and untangled. Acknowledging the difficulties your child self experienced can feel like a huge hidden weight is lifted from you.

“It’s so many years ago, how can it possibly be having such a big impact on my life after all this time?”

When we are young, everything that happens to us is a learning experience. We learn to view the world and other people through a certain lens, that both makes sense of what we’ve been through and keeps us as safe as possible in the future.

For a child left at school by supposedly loving parents, the learning is often “there must be something wrong with me”. For a child who experiences or witnesses bullying or abuse, the learning may well be “don’t trust anyone, ever”. These sorts of experiences can be decades old and rarely thought about, but the unconscious learnings shape our present-day lives nonetheless.

“I don’t remember all the details from back then – how can I fix anything?”

It’s very normal for the mind to ‘blank out’ stressful incidents or periods of time. This is a protective mechanism, which stops us becoming totally overwhelmed when something’s happening.

Sometimes, when you start talking about things in therapy, memories will begin to seep back in again, now you’re mature enough to handle them. But even if they don’t, we can still work on relieving and transforming the very real after-effects. With the right therapy, you can forge a brighter future regardless of how much of the past you remember.

“It was so awful: I know it needs resolving, but how can I go back there without crumbling?”

Some ex-boarders are very clear that their time at boarding school was immensely traumatic and damaging. You may worry that having escaped the situation and survived thus far, it might just be too hard to go back and think about it all over again.

This is where having the support of an experienced therapist is important. I have trained extensively in working safely with trauma. We won’t talk about anything until you feel totally safe to do so – and some symptoms of PTSD can be completely resolved without you ever having to describe the details of what happened.

Most importantly, we’ll make sure you don’t dwell in the past any longer than necessary. We’ll just dip in and get whatever it is you need to move forwards, and rebuild a healthy, stable life.

Taking The Next Step

Recovering from the impact of boarding school is often complex, and it’s rarely a quick fix… but in my experience, it is always possible. If you’d like to start your own journey towards healing and wholeness, just contact me for further information or to book a first session together.

“To be able to live without the anxiety generated by being an abandoned child is delightful. Suddenly a whole new life is possible, of being able to connect with myself and with others.”

Feedback from an ex-boarder client