Boarding School Syndrome:
A Story Of Separation, Loss, And Survival
[6-minute read]
What Are The Psychological Costs Of Boarding School?
What happens to a child’s inner self-worth when they are sent away from the family to be raised in (privileged) care? Will fabulous facilities and education make up for prolonged absences of love and touch? What might be the long-term psychological consequences if a child feels sad and vulnerable, but they are raised in an environment where emotions are ridiculed or held in contempt?
Everything we know about child development and attachment processes suggests that separating a child from their home and family should be a last resort, only to be undertaken in cases of serious abuse or neglect.
But boarding schools have been normalised in British society. They are often celebrated in children’s literature, from Enid Blyton to Harry Potter, as fun and exciting. And because they promise superior facilities and education to their students, and deliver social advantages to their alumni (with disproportionately high numbers of ex-boarders in leadership positions in business and government), they remain popular with many parents who can afford them.
So, what might be the psychological cost of this system to the ex-boarder, who on the surface seems like such a cool and collected beneficiary of privilege?
A Deep Wound To The Soul
For children who come from abusive or highly chaotic home environments, boarding schools have the potential to provide a welcome haven of boundaries, clarity and consistency. But for most, the wrench of separation from home and family creates a significant attachment wound.
Psychotherapist Joy Schaverien describes how every child, regardless of their home life, must find a way to survive the ‘A, B, C, D’ of boarding school:
- Abandonment: The child is effectively abandoned by their parents, and exiled from all they knew and held dear – home, siblings, pets, toys, neighbours, familiar smells and foods. Even if they go back home at holidays or weekends, they are now just visitors. Their primary residence – the place they spend the majority of their time – has become the school.
- Bereavement: What is generally referred to as homesickness is actually, for the child, a form of bereavement: an aching, overwhelming adjustment to irreparable loss. Staff sometimes talk about a ‘period of readjustment’ for new arrivals, but this is simply the period until children learn to hide (or normalise) their grief.
- Captivity: At boarding school, children are effectively held captive against their will. To all intents and purposes, no matter how lovely the surroundings, for the child it feels like an imprisonment.
- Dissociation: In a boarding school, showing any vulnerability is an invitation to ridicule and bullying by one’s peers. Up until very recently, it was also often forbidden and punished by teachers. The child must never, ever appear unhappy, childish or foolish; so they learn to dissociate from such qualities, and project them outward (“only other people are like that”). They swiftly develop a capable, pseudo-adult façade… as far from vulnerability as possible.
The Armour Of Survival And Success
With their abandonment at school, the child learns that people are intrinsically fickle, unreliable, even deceitful (they were promised it would be lovely, after all). Disillusioned, the child learns that self-reliance is the only sure way to avoid disappointment.
Over time, most children develop a rational, calm mask which blocks off emotion and armours them from anything that might risk further pain. They may become ‘strategic’ in relationships, always looking for the payoff or benefit they can extract from those around them, even whilst displaying on the surface a trademark public-school ease and affability.
The self-contained, self-confident, strategic ex-boarder frequently does extremely well in the worlds of big business or finance, or in institutions such as the government, army, police or law. But underneath their armour there may still be a hurt and mistrustful child, who struggles to relate to themselves and others. Worldly success comes at the cost of their own playfulness, aliveness, and connection.
The Impact On Self And Relationships
‘Boarding School Syndrome’ is the term generally given to a recognisable cluster of symptoms resulting from the experiences and learned behaviours of boarding school. These can include:
Difficulties with intimacy and empathy
At boarding school, trust and vulnerability – the two fundamental components of any intimate relationship – are virtually impossible. Natural warmth and mutuality are unsafe; inner lives are hidden; relationships become surface transactions. As an adult, then, the ex-boarder may not really know how to ‘do’ either intimacy or empathy. Emotions can seem like unknown territory. Partners may complain of coldness or unapproachability, or of feeling there’s a ‘barrier’ between them and the ex-boarder.
Avoiding closeness
In some cases, the ex-boarder may find themselves withdrawing emotionally, or prematurely cutting off from relationships and friendships, so as not to become dependent. They may well exit relationships at the first sign of challenge or hint of rejection, preferring to be the one leaving than to risk being abandoned (again).
Feeling ‘wrong at the core’
When a child is first left at boarding school, they are generally told by their parents and teachers that this is a great opportunity, perhaps even something they should be grateful for. For children of military, diplomatic or ex-pat families, boarding is also presented as the ‘normal, sensible’ solution to avoid the disruption of switching schools every few years. The child then feels ashamed of any homesickness or sadness. They reason, “there must be something wrong with me for feeling like this”. This sense of a basic ‘internal wrongness’ in the core self is usually well hidden from public view, but can be deeply entrenched. Behind a successful façade may lie secret self-doubt, low self-esteem, self-criticism, and feelings of inadequacy.
Disconnection from self and vitality
The emotional numbing-out required by boarding school leaves some ex-boarders grappling with identity issues. They know they feel disconnected from their authentic self but are unsure how to go about reclaiming it. A sense of flatness, or depression, can seep into everyday life.
Women may face particular problems with identity. Raised in an environment designed to promote masculine values of hyper-rationality and strength, and often discouraged from exploring more feminine aspects of their body and psyche, they are nonetheless taught to be ‘good girls’ above all. It can be hard to figure out who they really are.
Rebelling on principle
Some children survived their years of boarding by rebelling, either outwardly or internally, against the school system. This is a fairly healthy strategy, protecting the child from some of the downsides of the typical ‘armouring’ process. However, in later life they may find themselves being mistrustful of all authority, rebelling on autopilot even when that’s unhelpful for them.
Feeling crushed and frightened
Some children never have the chance to build up their psychological armour. A boarding school is the perfect environment for bullying to thrive – there are never enough adults around to stamp it out. And where children struggle with either sports or academic tasks, regular humiliation from teachers is not uncommon. For those unlucky enough to become a scapegoat, there is no privacy, and absolutely no respite. The fear and shame can be crushing. As an adult they may be plagued by anxiety, unable to set boundaries, and hiding from life.
Trauma and PTSD
Prior to the 1980s some boys’ boarding schools used extreme forms of corporal punishment that are simply unimaginable today. Violence and physical punishment from bullies, prefects and teachers was normalised. Additionally, we are finally beginning to understand the scale of historic sexual abuse at boarding schools – sometimes from other pupils, but often from teachers who were serial groomers and abusers. Ex-boarders who faced abuse of this nature may suffer from serious post-traumatic stress symptoms such as nightmares and flashbacks, hyper-vigilance, addiction, and suicidal thoughts.
Healing From Boarding School Syndrome
Many ex-boarders manage their lives quite well through early adulthood, and it might be only in their 40s or 50s that their armour begins to crack. Issues such as depression, anger, addiction, or relationship troubles may start to cause noticeable difficulties. It’s often these symptoms that bring someone to therapy.
One of the problems with boarding school syndrome is that the ex-boarder themselves may not initially realise where their problems stem from. Even if they are aware that their schooldays weren’t terribly happy, there may be a tendency to view it as ‘ancient history’, or to gloss over the old suffering with a well-rehearsed joke. The social normalisation of boarding, and the general perception that it’s a privilege, means that even experienced therapists can miss the connection between current issues and school experience, and it never gets explored.
But with specialist help, from a therapist trained in the issues created by boarding school, it is possible to find a way through.
This may take some time. There is often much new learning that needs to happen; and it can initially feel scary, even impossible, to imagine approaching life differently. But over time, old rigid armour-plating can be softened, and emotion and connection can start to be allowed in. Eventually, safety, healing, and genuine vitality can be reclaimed.
Further Resources
Want to know what therapy for an ex-boarder might look and feel like?
For a unique insight into one man’s healing from the impact of boarding school, you can read this in-depth case-study.
Looking for further support?
Both Boarding School Survivors and Seen & Heard offer a range of workshops, support groups and other resources for ex-boarders.
Have you experienced sexual abuse at boarding school?
You may be interested in contacting Alex Renton. He is an investigative journalist and survivor of abuse at boarding school, who keeps a database of allegations against teachers and schools. Any information sent to him will be treated in confidence, but he has limited capacity to investigate individual cases or offer advice in pursuing redress.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Sarah Hamilton is a psychotherapist, counsellor and writer based in the Welsh borders.
She sees clients at her private clinic in Hay-on-Wye, Herefordshire, and also offers online therapy by secure video link.
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